E-Book Review 7: The Office Christmas Party – Marteeka Karland & Shara Azod

E-Book Review 7: The Office Christmas Party – Marteeka Karland & Shara Azod

Sum it up, Cherub: Hot sexy female office worker lusts after hot sexy male boss and vice versa. Sex happens.office

Review it, Snookums: I was never much of a fan of Sex and the City, but I liked parts of it and understood why it was popular. One of the things I did like was that the show’s message was, at least to some extent, a proudly feminist one: ‘We don’t need men; we’re in charge of our own lives, we have fun, we have successful careers, we get what we want, what we deserve and, when all else fails, we have each other.’ I liked that. But I hated the ending (the TV ending, not the films – let’s not get started there. That second abomination was like a contemptuous slap in the face to all SATC fans) because suddenly they performed a U-turn and decided that, after six seasons, the thing that would truly make them happy was a man after all (preferably a wealthy one) – and, perhaps, a baby.

Now, we can debate the rights and wrongs of this for hours, but one thing that everything from Mills & Boon through to Candace Bushnell has taught us is that a lot of women love to fantasise about being swept off their feet by handsome, arrogant millionaires and being taken care of for the rest of their lives (there are obvious psychological issues at play here that I’m sure Freud would enjoy investigating, but this is a book review, not a shrink session).

I bring this all up because The Office Christmas Party is that classic ‘exotic-millionaire-meets-ordinary-yet-actually-quite-extraordinary-under-the-surface-woman’ tale, except its been violently condensed into one bite-sized short story, much like millions of blackcurrants are squished into each bottle of Ribena. Virtually all the ‘will-they-won’t-they’ crap has been successfully trimmed and gaily discarded. If we think of it in terms of a peanut, the shell has gone, the skin has been stripped, it’s been rinsed clean and what we have left, essentially, is the nut. Woman lusts after rich male (to an almost comical degree – she often worries he might be able to smell her flowing nectar from across the room); rich male lusts back; rich male fucks her with almost worrying force after locking her in his office. End of story.

It’s well written despite the predictability, but perhaps the predictability doesn’t matter. What a reader of erotica generally wants, I assume, is to read about two people getting it on, and Marteeka and Shara do a decent job in delivering that quickly and without fuss. They certainly reached their conclusion quicker than Carrie.

Rate it, Huggy Bear: Three out of Five Stars.

Follow Marteeka Karland on Twitter
Follow Shara Azod on Twitter
Visit Marteeka’s website
Visit Shara’s website
Buy The Office Christmas Party
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E-Book Review 6: Backdoor Bath – Hunter Darkly

E-Book Review 6: Backdoor Bath – Hunter Darkly

Sum it up, Sugar Tits: Sex in the bath. With added watersports.bath

Review it, Angel Face: This is a very, very short story – just a few pages – and features a man and a woman having sex in the bath. It’s perfectly well-written, the description is fine and pleasingly graphic, but really it’s just a quick fuck. For me, I need something more. At least a little bit of build-up, something to ratchet up some tension. I think it’s quite difficult to really engage in a scene where you know so little about the characters. A flavour is given of who they might be, but that’s it. A fun story if you fancy a quick bit of filth before bed. I do think Hunter has genuine talent, however, and would love to read something more substantial from her.

Rate it, Love Muffin: Three out of Five Stars.

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Visit Hunter Darkly’s website
Get Backdoor Bath – FREE

E-Book Review 5: Alice’s Sexual Discovery in a Wonderful Land – Liz Adams

E-Book Review 5: Alice’s Sexual Discovery in a Wonderful Land – Liz Adams

Sum it up, Honey Bunch: Alice is all grown up. Alice is horny. Alice wants an orgasm.alice

Review it, Sugar Lips: This erotic fiction reviewing lark has been something of a voyage of discovery. I have already enjoyed a story about a gangbang far more than I thought I would, but even up until very recently I didn’t think I would be reading something called ‘Fairy Tale Erotica’. I’ll be honest, I didn’t even know such a sub-genre existed. But if you’re going to dive in to the great big jacuzzi of erotica, you have to go naked, lubed-up and open-minded, so here I am, having just finished one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever read. And I’ve read Dr Seuss and everything.

In filmic terms, this book is what you might expect if David Cronenberg, David Lynch, Tim Burton and Tinto Brass were locked in a room together for too long with only a Lewis Carroll paperback and some hallucinogenics for company.

We join Alice in her late teens. She has well and truly discovered her sexuality and finds herself lusting after a sexy gardener. There are two problems: one, she doesn’t believe he would ever fancy her, and two, and this is Alice’s really big problem, she doesn’t believe she can satisfy a man or even achieve orgasm herself.

Before long, Alice finds herself in Liz Adams’ outrageous version of Wonderland. If you thought Carroll’s version was odd, you need to read this. It is unlike anything else I’ve ever read: Alice opens herself to the fingers of curious males who think her love juice is an elixir; Alice swims in her own cum; Alice is licked out by a human caterpillar; Alice plays penis croquet; Alice instigates a four-car sex train that features the Hatter, the Hare and a teapot.

Alice is almost constantly wet, always rocking on the edge of an orgasm, her skirt up and down like a possessed yo-yo, desperate to devour just about every male being she sees. But will all this lust help in her desperate pursuit of Jack the Gardener?

This story is a triumph of imagination, a bizarre yet forensic investigation of one young woman’s sexual insecurities, set in an innocent land that is nevertheless teeming with sex and sexual tension, whether the characters recognise it or not. In all those senses it is wonderful. But – and the argument as to whether this is important or not is for another time – did it turn me on? The answer is no. Whether that’s to do with a discomfort in sexualising a character from my childhood; or because sometimes the descriptions of the sex scenes were difficult to follow; or because the erotic segments were too raucous and weird to be ‘sexy’, I’m not quite sure.

You may feel differently. Suck it and see, as this Alice might have said.

Rate it, Darling: Four out of Five Stars.

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Buy Alice’s Sexual Discovery in a Wonderful Land

Erotic Blog 1: My Naked Wrestling with Erotica Vernacular

My first collection of erotic short stories has just been published for the Kindle on Amazon. It’s called Sex with a Sting: Six Erotic Fantasies with a Kink in the Tail. You can read more about it here, but basically each story takes a standard fantasy and gives it a vicious little twist. It’s hot and steamy and erotic and hard and wet and wonderful. I do hope some of you will give it a bash. As it were.

Go on, buy it now...

Go on, buy it now…

Moan, Pant, Sigh
But now that slim volume is just another cock stuck in the big wide hole of erotic fiction, I’d like to write about a problem I’m having with what I’m calling, ‘Erotica Vernacular’.

Here’s the thing: there are a lot of words that recur, quite naturally, in erotica: push, pull, slide, kiss, lick, grab, moan, sigh, tug, bite, strain, slip, wet, slick, hard, come, stiff etc. Part of the challenge of writing erotica is to use these words in moderation and at the right times, and, where necessary, choosing synonyms that still fit the feel of what is happening in the story.

And sometimes that can be very difficult. The word ‘moan’, for example, is vital to almost every erotic tale, but it’s extremely tough to replace. ‘Pant’ sounds like the character has temporarily morphed into a chocolate labrador (although I think such an occurrence can happen in some shape-shifting erotica. I’m not here to judge, mind). ‘Sigh’ is okay, but it sounds weak and wet – it lacks the power of a moan. ‘Grunt’ conjures thoughts of flatulence. ‘Cry’, ‘sob’ and ‘wail’ work in some stories, but could seem disturbing in others. I have used ‘groan’, but it does sound like the noise a character might make when their male partner loses his boner. ‘Mewl’? Maybe for a very feline role. ‘Whimper’? In certain conditions, I suppose.

‘Caterwaul’? I have not used caterwaul yet. But maybe I should. Maybe we all should.

Pussy, Nub, Muff
But it’s when we get to the sexual organs themselves that I have particular concerns about the Erotica Vernacular. I think all of us probably get a little tied in knots trying to find new words to describe the vagina and the penis (giggle).

There’s plenty of choice for words to describe female genitalia, but strangely the biological terms seem reasonably rare. You scarcely see the word ‘vulva’, for example, which I think is shame because it’s a beautiful, almost onomatopaeic, word. Soft and sensual, with a hint of something velvety.

‘Vagina’ is the same. I’m not sure why it is so seldom used; it has a nice chime with ‘virgin’, after all. Maybe it’s because of that awful abbreviation used mainly by teenage boys: ‘vag’. Or perhaps it’s dismissed because it rhymes with ‘angina’? You don’t want to be thinking of an illness associated with the elderly during a lustrously lustful scenario, after all.

‘Hole’, ‘entrance’ and the queen of vagina synonyms, ‘pussy’ are all in frequent use, while ‘cunt’ is a particularly interesting case because it is so widely seen as the most offensive swear word in, ahem, ‘decent society’. However, its impact on an intense sex scene can be like a hand grenade going off – it has incredible power to really transmit the gorgeous, wanton desire present in the tryst.

‘Lady garden’, however, is best kept for comedy. ‘Twat’ and ‘snatch’ feel pointed and juvenile. ‘Muff’ is kind of sweet, but I’ve always felt muff reflected the state prior to arousal. Maybe that’s just me.

I’m uncomfortable with using ‘nub’ for ‘clitoris’, too. I can understand the need to find a rival to ‘clit’, ‘sweet spot’ and, if you like, ‘button’, but ‘nub’ just feels wrong. It sounds like ‘stub’; the grubby end of a cigarette, something cut off, something not whole, something broken even. Surely this most wondrous of protrusions deserves something more fulsome and complimentary than ‘nub’? How about: ‘Vagina Nose’? No. No. Sorry, everyone.

Cock, Rod, Dong
Words like ‘nub’ and ‘sheath’ (for vagina) tend to take me out of the moment and I find the same problems in the language of the male genitalia too. ‘Cock’ is fantastic, naturally, ‘dick’ is good and I think ‘penis’ is perfectly serviceable and a little underused.

‘Member’ feels like using a different word for the sake of it – I don’t think it carries enough meaning – not like ‘shaft’, or even ‘prick’. ‘Rod’, ‘bone(r)’, ‘knob’, ‘hard-on’ and, at a push, ‘pole’ all have their place. But plenty of others just have the effect of making me laugh: ‘trouser snake’, ‘dong’, ‘pecker’, ‘love muscle’, ‘skin flute’. ‘Fuck stick’.

Such words blink at me on the page. They interrupt the spell of sex. And sometimes I wonder whether in grasping for different terms, we actually hurt what we’re really trying to say, because, almost by their nature – that of being ‘alternatives’ – they are not quite right.

It is important, of course, to be creative and inventive and to discover and espouse all kinds of new words and different ways of expressing lovemaking, fucking, shagging, fornicating, screwing, mating, banging, penis-injecting and copulating, but all I’m saying is that, perhaps sometimes, the most obvious word is the best. Maybe I’m wrong, who knows?

Now, go forth and read and write erotica for the rest of the day until you’re really, really horny.

Buy Sex with a Sting: Six Erotic Fantasies with a Kink in the Tail
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E-Book Review 4: Make Mine a Double – Kat Collins

E-Book Review 4: Make Mine a Double – Kat Collins

Sum it up, Babycakes: Plus-sized Samantha is off for a night in Vegas. This is a regular trip for her, a way of unwinding. But this time her glamorous Grandma Alma is coming too. With her influence and encouragement, Sam is about to have the night of her life in bed with two very friendly men…double

Review it, Sexy: This is Kat’s first published erotic story and it has a lot of vibrancy, a lot of great ideas and some interesting characters. Samantha describes herself as a ‘big girl’, who is never comfortable flirting with men. Grandma Alma, however, is something different. Confident, flirtatious, fun-loving – she seems like the exact opposite of Sam. Fortunately, Grandma is not a bully – she’s kindly and encouraging and it’s with her help that Sam gets to live out an incredible fantasy.

Two men, best friends since childhood, are also in Vegas. They like to ‘share’, and, coincidentally, they both love  voluptuous women. Excited by the vision of Sam, they waste little time in persuading her to pay a visit to their room, where Sam is pleasured in just about every way possible.

I think there are a lot of great thoughts behind this story. The character of the pushy but loveable and mildly sex-crazed Grandmother is something new, and the pair of gorgeous men who seem to only hunt together is also a nice touch. Usually threesomes seem to occur a bit more organically, so it makes a change to read about two men who are only interested in finding a woman to fuck together.

However, the story is not quite as polished as it could have been. I’m not someone who is that bothered about grammatical errors (I don’t think I’ve ever read a book by anyone that doesn’t contain the odd mistake – for me it’s the story and the characters that really matter), but this short story does contain a large number of mistakes. Having someone give it a thorough read and a bit of an edit would really help, in my opinion.

I’d have liked Kat to make more use of Grandma Alma, perhaps by having her introduce the two men to Sam, or to have a scene where Grandma hits on one of them. Just something to get her a bit more involved. A potentially unique character was created here, but she’s dropped from the story too early.

The sex scene itself was inventive and fun and Kat clearly enjoyed writing it, but for me it didn’t quite have enough fluency. Although the idea of the fantasy was strong, I didn’t quite feel Sam’s passion. This may partly be down to some of Samantha’s language – she often ends a chapter with ‘Oh my!’, which, to me, feels like a phrase you might normally get when Goldilocks realises one of the three bears has eaten her breakfast – that, however, is probably very much a cultural difference!

Overall, though, this is a good quick read and I’ll definitely be interested to see how Kat develops her style in the future.

Rate it, Honey Pie: Three out of Five Stars.

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Buy Make Mine a Double

E-Book Review 3: A Taste of London – Lucy Felthouse

E-Book Review 3: A Taste of London – Lucy Felthouse

Sum it up, Hot Stuff: Ryan and Kristian are about to embark on a gap year travel odyssey, but before they even leave the country Kristian is forced to return home. Ryan, however, is not alone for long and is soon attracting the welcome attentions of one or two naughty young ladies…tasteof

Review it, Cupcake: This is the first part in a series that promises to feature lucky Ryan’s sexcapades across Europe and, perhaps, beyond, which will surely open up potential for all kinds of women to exploit our dashing hero. Even in this short period, Ryan finds himself pleasured by two different girls in two unusual places and we’re left with the tantalising prospect of a third scenario with a rather different woman going into the next part of the story.

Publishers Ellora’s Cave have started a ‘For Men’ range, which this story is a part of. It’s told from a man’s point of view, which produces differences both small and large to the more usual woman’s perspective on an erotic story: instead of a woman feeling an orgasm radiating from her core, we get Ryan feeling tingles in his spine and a tenseness in his balls, for example. Moreover, the sex is mainly for his gratification (although the girls enjoy it), and so the roles from a more ‘traditional’ erotic tale are reversed as wide-eyed Ryan is helplessly, gratefully seduced by eager, sexual women.

Neither is Ryan a cliched tall, dark, mysterious, handsome leading man. He’s certainly very attractive, but he’s also insecure, a bit immature, naive and occasionally sweetly sensitive, such as when worrying about coming in a girl’s mouth during a blow job. The women in the story are continually one step ahead of him: always bolder, stronger, more daring. Ryan just seems to get swept along for the very enjoyable ride.

He represents one kind of young male’s ultimate fantasy – he’s irresistible to women and has lots of guilt-free, no-strings sex. The consequence of this is that the sex scenes, enjoyable as they are, lack a little bit of tension: women want him and he allows them to pleasure him – they take the lead and there’s never any doubt that he’ll allow himself to be led. It will be interesting to see how Ryan’s character develops; as he becomes more used to women wanting him at every turn, will he take it for granted? Will he become more predatory, less respectful? Will he ever be forced into a seduction of his own?

Some of the early dialogue between Kristian and Ryan felt, at least to me, a little stilted, or wooden, but perhaps that may settle down once we get to know Kristian a bit more and explore their friendship further. The sex scenes were inventive, hot and fun, and I hope there’s scope to step up to something a little more risque in later episodes. I’m looking forward to the next part, which I can reveal, probably not exclusively, is coming soon. How will Ryan fare with the chic ladies of Paris?

Rate it, Cutie Pie: Four out of Five Stars.

Follow Lucy Felthouse on Twitter.
Visit Lucy’s website.
Buy A Taste of London

E-Book Review 2: Amy’s Gangbang Love Story – Nikki Sex

E-Book Review 2: Amy’s Gangbang Love Story – Nikki Sex

Hey, if you’re going to use a pseudonym, at least make it easy to remember. amy

Sum it up, Baby: Amy loves to be dominated by her boyfriend, Eric. Their sex life, thanks to some guidance from stunning French Sexpert, Andre, is amazing. But Amy is still not quite satisfied – her primal urge for a dirty, hard, merciless gangbang remains unfulfilled… until her birthday.

Review it, Honey: I was surprised by how much I liked this because gangbangs aren’t really my bag. I know some people must love them, but I’ve never found the idea sexy. Even the cover to this book makes me wince a bit.

But, telling the story from Amy’s perspective, Nikki Sex manages to convey the intensity of a gangbang, the sheer, raw power of it, while at the same time constantly reassuring the reader that Amy is safe and that she is an extremely willing participant. We know this partly because she and Eric are so obviously deeply in love but mainly because Amy has about 48 orgasms.

What Nikki Sex has sought to create here is a love story with an almost violent act of sex at its core. That has to be an extremely difficult path to walk, yet she walks it very well. Next to descriptions of Amy being bombarded and penetrated by cocks and fingers from all angles sit sweet moments of tenderness and loving words between her and Eric. This determination to continually bolster the reader’s belief that Amy is deliriously happy at her fantasy being fulfilled and is not drowning in a sea of spunk against her will means that, whether you find a gangbang sexy or not, the reader can genuinely enjoy the graphic description of an incredible, extended scene featuring several masked men and one submissive young lady without any pangs of guilt.

What helped, I think, was that Eric himself was reluctant to arrange a gangbang, and jealousy is only one of the reasons why. Nikki Sex therefore fully acknowledges the problems anyone might have regarding a gangbang, but then goes right ahead and shows exactly why others find it such a deliriously intoxicating fantasy.

Occasionally it’s a little difficult to get a proper picture of what exactly is happening and who is doing what, especially with the proliferation of men with different coloured masks on, but overall this strange melding of romantic love with a hardcore eight-on-one fuckfest works rather well. Plus there’s a Yee-Haw Texan in the mix for a bit of light relief.

Rate it, Sweet Cheeks: Four out of Five Stars

Visit Nikki’s website

Buy Amy’s Gangbang Love Story